Sunday, September 11, 2011

Never forgetting...

This is a day I have dreaded for some time and I know others have as well. I've dreaded it for a couple of reasons; most notably that it is the tenth anniversary of the attacks of 9/11. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't feel the fear and terror that arises in me whenever I see the images from that day. Watching the coverage from that day all these years later still provokes the same bodily responses as I experienced that day.

I had awoken that beautiful day not long before the first plane struck the first tower and turned on my television to see the aftermath of that horrible incident which most everyone at that point believed was an accident. As I sat and watched the smoke billowing out of the tower, I was horrified at the thought of what the people in that building must have been suffering through. When I thought my thoughts couldn't get any darker or more terrifying, I saw the second plane hit the other tower and I think we all collectively and nearly instantaneously realized we were being attacked and feared for where the next attack might come. My thoughts immediately turned to Washington D.C. as the next likely target and feared for my brother and sister who both lived and worked there. 

When news of the Pentagon blast came, I was nearly paralyzed with fear. I had never been to our nation's capital at that point in time so I didn't have a frame of reference for where my siblings were at in relation to the Pentagon. They both were safe but we weren't able to find that out for hours after the events. It took my sister hours to make her everyday commute which normally only took about an hour and a half. My brother was safe on his campus but couldn't make contact as the cell phone lines were so jammed with all the traffic of everyone trying to get in touch with their loved ones. 

It was very difficult to do my job that day, trying to attend to the college students on my campus and make sure they were doing all right when I was scared out of my mind for my brother and sister. I didn't sleep in my bed for weeks after that day. I would eventually fall into very fitful and frightening sleep filled with nightmares late in the night while firmly planted in front of the television, my way of coping and feeling some sense of control that if I kept watching whatever was happening it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I was alone in that behavior. 

I hope none of us ever forgets this awful day in our nation's history but I hope that with the passage of more time I won't continue to have the nightmares that I've had for the last few days with the increased attention in the media and seeing those images over and over. I can't begin to imagine the nightmares and sleepless nights experienced by those who lost their loved ones - no one should ever have to go through such horror. 

The far more personal feeling of dread, disappointment and, most of all, heartbreak is that once again I was reminded that I'm not pregnant. I woke to the cruel, vivid crimson reminder that for another month of so many like it before, I am still not pregnant. I know this may seem like a small and insignificant matter to so many, but to me and so many others like me, this is anything but a small matter. 

We've been trying for over a couple of years now. We've undergone all the testing and have been poked and prodded so many times that I don't think I can take it anymore.The doctors haven't been able to find anything of concern and we keep trying. We've had three rounds of IUI so far and now we have to go through it again. I start to sob just thinking about having to go back and sit in the waiting room filled with women with swollen bellies and so many of them teenagers in high school. 

I get furious and heartbroken and baffled when I see the stories in the news that seem to abound of late of parents who have committed unspeakable atrocities of abuse against their own children and can't seem to grasp how they could possibly be allowed to have children. It is so profoundly unfair when there are wonderful, loving people out there who ache to be parents and would never dream of bringing such harm to their babies. I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my head around that one either. 

Our prayers and the prayers of all of our friends just don't seem to be making it to God's ears but I am hopeful that they will very soon.